Friday, 16 March 2012

Blood, Sweat and Saxophones: FSFC Elections Day Four

Photos - Lewis Shaw

Sweat is settling on your brow. You can't stop fidgeting. Every second brings a new thing to worry about. Meanwhile the crowd are displaying their arsenal of techniques - booing, popping balloons, air horns, chants. Your academic career might just be about to change for good, and the only people who stand between you and that goal are stood around you. So what do you do to them? Sabotage? Assault? Bribe?

Shake hands and swap tips - that was the general consensus, as the Presidential Candidates gathered at the side of the stage this afternoon. Considering these were people who for the past month had debated, competed against, and belittled each other, the atmosphere was surprisingly friendly - nervous, but friendly. 

The afternoon offered up a diverse array of candidates, who - despite all writing about chairs in their manifestos and all attempting to bribe me in some way - had no real common ground. This hustings asked for a lot - while the week had seen some purely gimmicky candidates and some abundantly serious ones, Presidential candidates had to hold the crowd whilst simultaneously convincing them that they weren't complete morons. Luckily, they all seemed to take the advice of my panel of experts - in one way or another anyway.

Photo - Lewis Shaw
Blake Howell

Before Blake went on stage, I told him he was the first person I had ever seen going on stage with a saxophone around their neck. I wasn't lying, either. 

After a jazzy sax solo, the sharply dressed ginge took to the microphone, outlining all the things that are 'essential' in a President; juggling, saxophone playing, big posters, nice suits, completing a Rubix cube in under a minute, and being able to make ginger jokes whilst doing all of these things. 

Despite the Obama-esque sheen of his manifesto and propaganda, Mr. Square Mile Investment Banker Blake seemed to ditch his professionalism for hustings, instead injecting a metaphorical syringe of swag into a few minutes of gimmicky goodness. Although this was a relief in some ways, I felt a bit deprived of a candidate who took himself too seriously. You can't make jokes about well-rounded candidates.

Photo - Lewis Shaw
Edd Jones

I know for a fact that Edd had been reading these blogs, paying close attention to the tips given by the panel and taking mental notes of what was good and bad - and it showed. 

As well as bending down to the microphone to make himself look as much like BFG as possible, Edd adopted a unique tactic - an almost completely 50/50 blend of entertainment and thoughtfulness. This took the form of giving the audience a motivated and passionate piece of his mind, whilst slowly stripping out of a full wedding suit to reveal a 'VOTE FOR ME' shirt. 

However, he did also say the words 'Let's make this year a party year!' which was a bit cringey. 

Photo - Lewis Shaw
Dan Bright

If I had to choose one 'Wild Card' out of the candidates, it would be Dan. This is partly because he was the only candidate not to take to the stage in formal attire, and partly because I can barely remember what happened when he went on stage.

All I can remember is a lot of booing, a bit of rapping, a bit more booing, him reciting bits of his manifesto from memory, him saying the word 'cotch', and subsequently him being booed off stage.

Sorry Dan...

Photo - Lewis Shaw
Piya Mandal

Efforts for Piya Mandal to get herself elected as the (first?) female President of the SA included a hilarious array of posters, depicting her grinning face on various monuments, old propaganda posters and cartoon characters. Other efforts included telling me how much she enjoyed my blog posts whilst simultaneously telling me to what degree she could ruin my life if I wrote bad things about her.

To be fair, she was very nice about it, but the unfortunate thing is that Piya sung a song: and that is something that I have to stretch my abilities of bullsh*t to write anything about whatsoever. However, to help me along a bit, she wore a leg-cut dress, throwing out an Angelina Jolie leg-bomb several times during her husting. You go girl.

 Photo - Lewis Shaw
Kiran Eyre

Describing himself in his posters as 'The Magic Guy' (Something I resent due to being in different circles of wizards) Kiran Eyre is quite frankly the master of hype. The roar of cheers and applause he received as he came on stage would  make you think that he went round giving free blowjobs beforehand, and judging by the tired look in his eyes, that wouldn't have surprised me. 

However, he took to the stage with a guitar, busting out a frankly incredible solo before doing something that was just a slightly bit strange. Claiming that hustings required him to be 'thick-skinned', he took a knife from his pocket and began cutting into his arm, inspiring screams and giving the audience the amount of blood they had been asking for all week. 

Once finished with his self mutilation he began talking with such speed, volume and passion, that for a moment I completely forgot that I was in hustings, closing my eyes and envisioning a packed club with a severely bleeding DJ. 

Voting has now begun, votes being electronically gathered from any computer on the network until Tuesday. Before I report on the results with Simon Jarvis next Wednesday, I simply wish all the candidates the best of luck, and all the voters some wise choices. Have a good weekend.

-Lewis  


24 comments:

  1. Love it mate! ;)

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  2. I don't know who you think you are.

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    Replies
    1. Definately not Russel.

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    2. I think I know I'm Lewis, but I could actually be Barry Took, the presenter of Points of View in the 80's. But to be fair, I wasn't born then, so I'm probably Lewis. At least I know I'm not Russell, that's been pointed out enough times.

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  3. Why don't you write this for the college magazine? Does it even have one? I don't know, do I? God.

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    1. MattyWeston199516 March 2012 at 21:54

      Why didn't he run for publications officer? I think only 1 girl run for that an she got booed then ran offf the stage in tears? I don't want her to get the job, she was week and couldn't strum. I for one don't want her for a high power job. She'll make the magazines about kitten. Dumb fuck.

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    2. This ginger girl called Teagan went for it. She was pretty hot, but looked scared. She said that thing about facebook stalking and didn't she dance?

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    3. there is a college magazine but nobody knows about it! but hopefully that will soon all change ;) Love this Lewis, love being able to catch up on the Hustings, and well done Edd! Did they let you get a special space so you could take pics? I really hope I'm still in the running. :/ and cutting himself?! that's an.. interesting tactic to say the least! xo

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    4. Yeah she was cool. She's in my French class. Won't shut up.

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    5. Oh shit sory Tegan

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  4. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  5. Yeah..., VOTE TEGAN. She won't ''write about kittens''!ahahaaha do you have to be a good strummer to be publications manager then? Anyway about the presidents, I think Edd looks like the most trustworthy contestant. You wouldn't want a magician to be president, because when it all goes wrong (inevitably) he'll either vanish or distract you with card tricks, and I don't like the sound of that.

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    1. Yu speech the truth hehe

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    2. They still haven't found George Bush, not after the Disappearing President Trick of '93...

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  6. A good post, but where are the vice presidents? Prostitution is important!!!!

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    1. You don't stand for vice president - the person who comes second gets the position. Although that said, I wonder if there is anyone who would ever put themselves forward for it. Talk about glass half empty attitude.

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  7. I honestly can't believe that I have never managed to get into Hustings, in my 2 years of collage. Oh well I guess I'll just have to take a 3rd

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  8. As a second year at hustings who may or may not have been wearing a party hat, I am ashamed by the amount of flat peak peasants that will dictate the outcome of the election. The Fleet Elite backed Edd because he seemed like the nicest guy out of everyone and being from Fleet, naturally, he should be President. The others were all Russell wannabe's. Unfortunately, there were too many 1st years in the Presidential hustings which will lead to the winning of a certain candidate who the Fleet Elite does not approve of or recognise as our President. Edd will most likely get Vice. I feel bad for you 1st years who will have to put up with magic classes next year or self harming lessons.

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    1. Flat peak peasants. I'm gonna have to use that one... I know what you mean, and to be fair that's what the emphasis of this whole week's writing has been about: making good, informed choices and thinking about your votes before you choose the one who made you laugh the most, regardless of ideas.

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  9. That arm is so fake & gay

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    1. S'funny cause the arm is real, the knife is fake.

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