Tuesday, 7 January 2014


I know what you're thinking. And I want
you on my Pictionary team too.
People are always asking me: 'Lewis, how do you juggle keeping up that beautiful bonnet of hair you have with the tolls of being a noncommital socialist who doesn't want to be pigeonholed but nonetheless identifies to many of the stereotypes of the modern anti-capitalist thinker?'

Well folks, I think it's about time I gave an answer.

Here's some science: hairdressing. I know what you're thinking: Hairdressing? Science? But aren't hairdressers meant to be really stupid? Don't they just want to know where you went on your holidays? No.

Here's the deal with hairdressers: they're kinda like computers. They serve a function, yes, and on the outside they look simple enough, but if you cut into them, they're full of cables and wires and circuit boards and stuff.

Back up.

What I'm trying to say is hairdressers are full of hidden knowledge.

Let's go back to the basics. Shampoo is evil as shit, right? That stuff is like heroin for your scalp. Sure, it makes your hair all nice and fluffy/shiny/sparkly or whatever, but after a day or so, your hair goes all greasy again and you have to buy more shampoo - and nobody wants to look like they washed their hair with an oil derrick just because they want to shun capitalist urges. Shampoo does this because - and brace yourselves, because I'm going to use some serious scientific terminology - chemicals fuck with your body.

If you're reading this in 1960, I'm sorry if I dropped that bomb prematurely.

I stopped using shampoo and stuff last year, instead opting for a hot water regimen to keep my hair looking lovely, because being a Marxist shouldn't mean you should be any less fabulous (Do note, when you start washing your hair like this there is a day or two of greasiness - this is your natural oils overcompensating as a reaction to shampoo). For some people, shampoo simply makes the problem of grease worse, and a shampoo-free life is the alternative to twice-daily washes.

You'd be surprised how many people live like this, because nobody ever mentions it. This is because people are dicks. As soon as you come out of the closet for not using shampoo, for about five minutes, everyone in the room treats you as though you're a homeless person who just materialised in front of them. Once, someone sniffed me.

Surprisingly, this led to me mentioning it as little as humanly possible. However, one time when it is appropriate to mention your hair care regimen, is when you're at the hairdressers. Because, like I said before, hairdressers just cutting hair is a bit like brain surgeons administering plasters.

As an example of some of the wisdom a good hairdresser can bestow upon a Fabian with an image to uphold, here's some advice I picked up upon my last visit to the beauty parlor:

1) Stroke that shit.
When massaging your hair in the shower, don't get too into it. No, not like that. Massaging your scalp opens up the pores, and encourages oils to escape. So be gentle.

2) End it on a cold note.
Warm water also opens your pores. If you have the luxury of a shower with heat controls, you can give your hair a cold rinse to close them up again. If you shower in the mornings, this also helps wake you up.

3) Drying.
The heat rule also extends to drying - use either a light towel dry, or a cold/medium temperature on your hair dryer.

Viva la hair revolution. Fuck L'Oréal, yeah?


No comments:

Post a Comment