NUTELLA ROBOT

It’s official, I’m rejecting people. I’m going to sit in the dark for… most of the time. Wall-E will be my only company. If old friends come by they’ll say ‘But Lewis, you hate Disney!’ And I will tell them to go away and throw empty Nutella jars at them until they do. Wall-E serves as a wistfully palatable criticism of consumer culture; you just haven’t realised it yet.

In a few years, the only people who will care will be VICE journalists looking to write a shocking article about the man who ‘REJECTED REAL PEOPLE IN FAVOUR OF AN ANIMATED ROBOT.’

I will be like the Captain of the Axiom, sat in a darkened room, sleeping and getting fat until I’m needed.

I will rely on the sun for Vitamin D. I know I’ve got at least that much of my nutrition covered, because the guy in the film Oldboy said that’s where we get vitamin D from and it helps boost our immune system. I haven’t yet checked what nutritional properties Nutella has in it, but it’s got ‘Nut’ in it and so does nutrition so there’s obviously some.

Someone will have to pay the rent on my bedsit for a few years so the landlord doesn’t bother me. In return, I may or may not produce a saleable manuscript for a novel worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize, the proceeds of which I will happily give you in return. I’ve already got a working title, actually. ‘Nutella and Robot.’ Like I said, it’s a working title. We can change it if needs be.

Domino’s deliver, and also do vegetables all sliced up and ready to eat on top of the pizza itself. The only problem will be getting them to the door of my room. Maybe I will have to come to an arrangement with the landlord. Maybe my benefactor will have to pay for these daily pizzas as well.

I don’t know. I haven’t quite thought this through yet.

Anyway, fuck people. Time for lunch – in a jar!

- Lewis