Thursday, 17 November 2011

You Should Take Heroin

This is not a government approved message.

Sit up scumbags, because I'm about to ask you to use your brains, and if you don't have very good blood flow that might be hard or something... I don't know, go ask a scientist. That part of your brain, imagination, that part that's been killed by too many soap operas and conversations with your dentist, is about to get a bit of usage - don't worry, we won't be going far.

Maybe even it's debut, taking a look at you... Jesus Christ, close your mouth before start catching flies.

Imagine that you're sat on your couch, mouth drooling, TV blaring. You've just finished your 51st packet of Monster Munch in three days and so to celebrate you're watching one of the many films that you own, The 51st State. You know, that one with Robert Carlyle as a Liverpudlian and Samuel L Jackson in a kilt. Yeah, that one.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that your life, in this 'scenario', is very boring and uneventual and your weekly outing is to the Job Centre and every night before you go to bed you cry because you're so lonely and whatnot. Like I said, not far.

What could make your life better? I mean, lets be realistic - you fail at life so you're probably not going to get a job, and if you're sitting around waiting for Mr. Opportunity to come knocking you better realise that it's a recession and he's working at McDonald's now because it pays better. What you need, is an adventure. Yeah, like on the television, but real!

Where shall your adventure start? On a road trip into the abyss! A plan ticket to a foreign land! Nope, neither of them, you're broke, remember?

What you need to do, is to go to the pub, go and sit in the corner, and wait for Shady Dave to arrive. You know, Shady Dave, the one who wears sunglasses even when he's inside and there's a power cut? Well he has this briefcase, and in that briefcase, is exactly what you need to start your adventure.


Ever seen Trainspotting? It's a good film. Do you know why? Because it's interesting - not like a documentary on wildlife or anything boring like that, but for one simple fact - heroin addicts have more interesting lives than you.

When you're sat at home, you have nothing to achieve except trying to get a job, which probably won't happen because it's a recession and you're virtually unemployable anyway. However, when you have a feisty heroin addiction (Which don't worry, isn't hard to get) you have something to live for, which isn't Monster Munch and Jeremy Kyle.

You wake up in the morning, and you think - holy vagina-balls! I need more smack but I'm all out of cash? I could mope around and wait for some to appear but that won't work, because if I don't feed my addiction I might die!

This might be a good time to mention that you should get all your dole scum friends to try it as well, because then you have a few partners in crime to help you!  Then it's good whole-hearted fun for all the family - apart from the family who owns the house you broke into at 3 o'clock in the afternoon and stole all the valuable possessions of, they're probably not so happy! Maybe they'll try heroin, then everyone will be happy.

Feeling un-creative? We'll see how creative you can get when you're on a cheeky three day skag binge and you run out of cash! Maybe you'll steal a television from an old peoples home or spray deep heat into the eyes of a homeless guy to mug him - it'll probably be more fun than you're having at home.

If you're not convinced, go watch Trainspotting - it's even got Robert Carlyle in it! Then you might see how attractive the career prospects of being a fully fledged crack addict really are.

Warning, side effects of heroin may include death, prison shower rape, the ability to travel inside toilets and Ewan McGregor.